Monday, April 11, 2005
Subliminal statements: The top 10 awards for 2004
"TAVARES, FL -- (MARKET WIRE) -- 01/04/05 -- "The Stupidest Statements Awards" of 2004, bestowed on famous people for their misjudgments and misstatements, have just been announced by Mega Genius(r), "the man with the perfect IQ" (TM) (real name Jim Diamond). His annual prizes of recognition for what he calls "crash-and-burn lapses in intelligence" by well-known personalities are just for fun. Beginning with what he calls the stupidest statement of the year, each award is followed by a quip from Mega Genius.( The other name Skippy-san would like to use.......).
1. George W. Bush, U.S. President, for his declaration at the signing of the $417 billion defense-spending bill: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." August 5, 2004. (Mega Genius: "Just as I suspected.")
2. Jessica Simpson, singer and reality-TV star, for the compliment she gave Gale Norton, Secretary of the Interior, while touring the presidential mansion: "You've done a nice job decorating the White House." March 14, 2004. (Mega Genius: "From the same woman who thought that buffaloes had wings.")
3. Paul Hornung, 1956 Heisman Trophy winner and (Caucasian) commentator on Notre Dame football broadcasts, for his reason that the university must "ease it up a little bit" on its academic restrictions: "We can't stay as strict as we are as far as the academic structure is concerned because we've gotta get the black athlete." March 30, 2004. (Mega Genius: "I think his alma mater already eased up a bit too much.")
4. George W. Bush, U.S. President, for his warning to an audience in Poplar Bluffs, Missouri, about the effects of frivolous lawsuits on health care: "Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." September 6, 2004. (Mega Genius: "I think I just had a light stroke.") (Skippy -san comment: "Notice how GW is the person who makes it twice?")
Man! I just can't get a break here!
5. Latrell Sprewell, Minnesota Timberwolves' NBA player, who, despite making more than $14 million per year, suggested that he would not go all out to help his team win a championship, for his reason for turning down a three-year extension for $21 million: "I got to feed my family." October 31, 2004. (Mega Genius: "We'd like five Begula caviar shakes with black-truffle, organic, fingerling fries, please.") (Skippy-san:" I'd sure like to tray to make ends meet on 7 mil a year........)
6. Jimmy Swaggart, evangelist, for his Biblical guidance in a televised sermon: "I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry. And I'm gonna be blunt and plain; if one ever looks at me like that, I'm gonna kill him and tell God he died." September 12, 2004. (Mega Genius: "I'm building another ark.")
7. Charles Barkley, former NBA player, for his explanation of why players charged into the stands and brawled with fans during a Pistons-Pacers game, which resulted in the NBA issuing the harshest suspensions in the Association's history: "Anytime a fan touches you, you have the right to beat the hell out of him." November 22, 2004. (Mega Genius: "Seven hundred thousand U.S. attorneys just groaned in unison.")
Come on buddy! Just bring it on!
8. Col Allan, Editor-in-Chief of the New York Post, for the newspaper's front-page headline: "KERRY'S CHOICE Dem picks Gephardt as VP candidate." July 6, 2004. (Mega Genius: "Okay, so we were flat-out-wrong... but, by golly, we were first.")
"You just blew your chance to cover the world".
"Well I don't live in the world, I live in fucking New York City"
from the movie, "The Paper".
9. Terry McAuliffe, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee, for his premature proclamation on the evening of the general election, just before 8 p.m. EST: "This is the best election night in history." November 2, 2004. (Mega Genius: "He exclaimed to the disappearing Cheshire cat.")
10. Ashlee Simpson, pop star, for her explanation of being busted when a backup voice track was miscued during her "Saturday Night Live" performance revealing that she was lip-synching, due to what she alleged later was acid reflux: "I feel so bad. My band started playing the wrong song. I didn't know what to do, so I thought I'd do a hoedown." October 23, 2004. (Mega Genius: "Sister of Jessica... daughter of Marge and Homer?")