Thursday, June 23, 2005

The 10 stages of drunkeness

Neptunus Lex made a recent post about Drunks and Politicians which looked at some of the buffoonery of some prominent Democrats lately. By way of introduction he explained what he called the "7 stages of drunkenness". Leave it to a Hornet pilot to take the shortcut home, he left out a few stages. There are 10 stages of drunkenness, not 7; trust me I know- I've been to all of them at various times. When I saw his post, I knew something did not look quite right, so I checked with some of my comrades in one of my former squadrons, the World Famous (and now defunct) Seabats of VAW-127 :

If anybody knew a thing or two about getting drunk it was us. Our skipper used to refer to his wardroom as "a bunch of refugees from an CAAC (alcohol treatment) ward." That's not to say we did not do our fair share of hard work and we did A LOT of flying. Check here and here for some of our "on the job time". It was a good squadron to be in: a work hard, play hard outfit. When it was time to play, we did play hard.

So if I may, I'd like to set the record straight. Here are the "official" ( at least as official as any set of bar rules / jokes can be) 10 Stages of drunkenness:

Stage-1 No Name associated. Still mostly sober, relaxed, cold beer is tasting good.

Stage-2 Witty Charming Part I. That's where you think you are witty and charming- and you are. Chicks dig you. Some women in the bar start looking better and better.

Stage-3 Patriotic. Somebody puts on "Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood and it brings a warm spot to your heart. You'll also be in the mood to kick anyone's ass who does not like the song.

Stage-4 Witty and Charming Part II. That's where you think you are witty and charming; you think chicks dig you- but you are not and they don't. ( Unless they are ahead of you on drinks by a couple of stages). All women in the bar start looking good.

As an aside, any body remember this little ditty from the New Riders of the Purple Sage?

Well I guess it's been at least an hour, and I didn't plan to stay.
I only dropped in to drink a beer, and float off on my way.
It was a pale and rather plain girl over in the corner sipping wine.
When I did not sit down at her table, she sat down at mine.

And she's looking better every beer.
Her hair is soft and shiny now, her eyes are bright and clear.
How could it be I didn't notice her when I first came in here.
Now she's looking better every beer.

Well the bar lights and the candles throw a little color on the chin.
And two by two the people leave who one by one came in.
The jukebox plays and the coke-filled ashtrays warns the time that flies.
And every time I drain my mug I can't believe my eyes.

She's looking better every beer.
Her hair is soft and shiny now, her eyes are bright and clear.
How could it be I didn't notice her when I first came in here.
Now she's looking better every beer.

Anyway.......Back to the task at hand.

Stage-5 F**K dinner! Many people enter the matrix at this stage.

Stage-6 "Crank Up the Enola Gay! We're going to Hiroshima!" This is the 'should I stay or should I go' point. Go home now and chances are pretty good you'll be up for work on time the next morning. Stick around and your chances of appearing in the newspapers have gone up significantly. ( Also in Japan, you are advised to come up with another name, they don't seem to find this one particularly funny for some reason........).

It almost always goes down hill from here.

Stage-7 Rich and Powerful . This is where you ring the bell in the bar for no reason, you buy ladies drinks by the half dozen and you tip the barmaids very well. If you have an ATM card in your wallet, you may run out to resupply your cash. This is another potential "exit ramp"; if you have a met a girl who likes you, or if you are in Neptune's or Fenwicks and the two of you have agreed on a price.

Stage-8 Introspective. Having opted not to head for the exit ramp or having found no one to go home with, you continue drinking and turn you thoughts inside (this is generally considered a bad move). You contemplate everything that has gone wrong with your life; with no else to talk to you you even make the mistake of drinking and dialing your ex. Warning, it is at this stage guys like Hemingway have reached for the shotgun.

Struck out again, eh Skippy?

Stage-9 Invisible. You can pee in the street and its no big deal because no one can see you. Which of course leads to a HUGE surprise when the officer slaps the cuffs on you for public lewdness.......

Stage 10- Bulletproof. You can pee on the railroad tracks in front of an oncoming train because it cannot hurt you. Thanks to the antics of people at this stage, the folks who publish the Darwin Awards have something to write about.

So there you have it. There are lots of lists of these rules out there and the sequence may change depending on the circumstances, but this the list from "the trained professionals".
Your mileage of course may vary.



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