Monday, June 27, 2005
As long as I live, I'm never going to understand women! (Or myself).
That's how it works in the movies maybe, but not in the real world that yours truly lives in. Instead here's how Sunday really went:
The day started off ok. We slept in, and I was in a pretty good mood considering she said she was "TIRED" the night before. ( So, you don't have to stay awake on my account! Just lay here...like this.....).
Made breakfast, did the dishes, got her clubs out for her. She had reciprocated by picking out some golf togs for me to wear and vacuuming. (Both subjects deserve their own posts....but that is for another time).
Played golf, S.O. beats me by 3 strokes. That's not supposed to happen, after all, I have to shoot from the MEN'S tees. Go home and change to get ready to go out. Shower (sigh....Separately). Get dressed to go meet her friend from the American company she used to work at until they heartlessly laid her off in a downsizing. He ( an engineer, still has his job, but now he has transferred to "Big Shopping Mall", United States.) . I get dressed, come out, watch some golf channel. Back in the bedroom, she "puts on her face" and all that other lady stuff.
Out she comes.......and boy does SHE LOOK HOT! I mean she looks great. Smart top, skirt, some really nice high heeled Italian shoes...(with the toes that point in an icosles triangle...). I'm serious, she looks great. One thing about the S.O., like most Japanese women, she has a very good sense of fashion and what "works" and what does not. Just about all of the good clothes I have, she picked out. I do trust her judgment when it comes to clothing.
So there I am, lucky to be standing, since only 1 red blood cell in 3 is making it all the way up to my brain....the rest are being diverted someplace else. I want to jump her right there. Or so I think until the little voice in the back starts talking:
She does not dress this way for going out together lately. Wonder what's up here? How long has it been since she has seen John anyway? 4 years? I thought John was married? Wonder if there is something I should know here..........
"Stop rationalizing. You promised her, you would take her into Yokohama and take this guy to dinner" , the inner voice says, "Besides she had a life before she met you, you know".
Yes, I know she did. She had a pretty good life by all accounts. And I want to keep my promise. This is important to her and if it makes her happy, well, that's important too.
Off to the train station. Ride the train into Yokohama. We've got some time to kill, so she wants to go to Takashimaya. Oh great, more watching women fight over shoes. Finally tap her on the shoulder and say its time to go, we are going to be late for meeting John.
Off to Starbucks, and I get to meet the guy I have heard a lot about. Do my best to put on a smile and be a good host. I suggest we get some coffee, then head on down to Sakuragicho, see the sights, have some dinner and then walk around after it gets dark. ( Its a great view of Yokohama at night). So off we go.
Over dinner after a couple of beers, the S.O. and he fall into reminiscing about old times. She had stayed with John during a couple of visits to "Big Shopping Mall" USA. He lets it slip that she was there to "chase down an old boyfriend". The third visit, her and the unknown boy friend saw a "lot" of each other. She even went back to "Big Shopping Mall" USA for a 4th visit. She quickly changes the subject, but John inadvertently came back to it.
Neither the S.O. or John meant anything by it. It was just recalling a past time. S.O. had helped John and his wife when they lived in Tokyo and when he was away in China and his wife was pregnant. Its what I would expect her to do. She is a kind and caring person. And she had a rich and full life long before she ever knew who I was. I also enjoyed talking to John. I ought not be giving any of this a second thought.
Yet.....I am. Somewhere in a way that I am trying in vain to understand, it bothers me. Not in any type of an angry way. Just an unsettled feeling. "A disturbance in the force". I keep reminding myself that, there is no good reason for this. Its crazy to be jealous of somone you never met, when at the time they met, I (and she) had no idea that our lives were somehow going to cross. It's petty and worse it's not right. I pride myself on being more mature than this.
Yet....it bothered me. The mention that she went to "Big Shopping Mall" USA several times to see this unknown man just vexes me. I can't wait to say our goodbyes to John and get on the train back home. Like I said its not really anger, its not really jealousy ( maybe a little) but just unsettled and troublesome. Does not get in the way of conversation and I still am sitting there thinking she looks beautiful and we are lucky to be together , since I'm no great catch and I am sure she could do a lot better on the man front.
This is crazy. Its damned unfair, since I know she had several boyfriends long before I came along. Its none of my business. I had a string of girlfriends and one night stands before she came along, and well prior to coming to Japan. She knows that, just like I know about her life. Its unfair too, given the frustration and longing I have to just to return to having only myself to be accountable to. I still don't know how I really feel about her. So you would think I'd be more objective and rational (read cold hearted) about this. Only thing I do know is that I'm comfortable with her and at the same time she can drive me nuts. Its unfair because I know I'll do some skirt chasing and sport boinking when I go to Thailand and Singapore next month. "Kind of a rotten double standard don't you think? ". Damn right it is.
When we got back to the train station I suggested we walk together through the park on the way home, its a little out of the way, but its a nice place to walk and hold hands. We did hold hands and at it was nice. Those fancy shoes were making her feet hurt though, so she wanted to get on home soon after. ( I told her not to wear them.....). We talked about general things, I told her I was glad I met her friend and that he seemed like a nice guy. I told her, if he comes back to Tokyo, if she wants him to come out to dinner, I'd do whatever she wants to make that happen. I mean it.
Maybe it's a form of comparison shopping. Did she and Mr Unknown guy in "Big Shopping Mall" USA party together? Why did they break up? Did she do things for him that she won't do for me? Useless thoughts! Who cares? Past is past , here and now is all that matters. WTF is the matter with you , Skippy?
I wish I knew. Maybe I should write to Ann Landers. I could end the letter, "Sign me -Confused".