Sunday, June 12, 2005
Oops! I wasn't ready for this yet!
Then we came home, and I made her a nice dinner. Swiss steak, corn, salad, Pinot wine. Things are going Ok......and then, it happened. Using her female intuition, she shifted the conversation to the "unspoken thing" that lies between us like a rock in the sea: I hate our little domestic life. And for the last few months or so, being chained down has felt like a millstone wrapped around my neck, dragging my mind and spirit down. She asked me why I have been unhappy.
Now at this point, I need to come to the S.O.'s defense, she is a very smart woman and there's no real conflict between us. Its not like we have had any huge arguments. Sure, I've come home late on occasion and I don't pay the same attention to house work that she does, but that's who I am and she knows it. I cook for her and make sure she gets to work, and come home early to make sure dinner's ready for her when she works, so I feel like I do my part. Still, she could see my slowly increasing frustration.
Now the proper male response would have been to deny everything and move the conversation along. And had I not had 2 beers and a couple of glasses of Pinot, maybe I would have taken the coward's way out. However, tonight I said to hell with it, might as well let her see my frustration and tell her the truth. So we jumped into the deep end of the pool, and had a "serious conversation". I won't bore you with details, except it comes down to this: I'm not ready to tie my self down to just one woman, and I jumped back into a serious dating/ living together relationship too soon. I like women too much to be attached to only one.
Since I was married at 22 fresh out of college, I never had a chance to get out and do the "hair on fire" single life I deserved as a young man. The S.O. did, as she has never been married before. She had a nice content little single life that I still envy. She saved money, did what she wanted, and according to her was "quite the party girl".
Problem is, she's not a party girl anymore. And I am still very much the party boy. And I'm not planning on changing that anytime soon. If I have my way, I'll be the party old man, chasing women at the VFW in my 70's. I feel like she used false advertising on me. She said she was a party girl when we met....really she is a woman who was single for a long time, who is ready to settle down and thought I could give her that.
I met the S.O. at an amazing time in my life. I had been in Japan for about a year still working through the financial hell that is divorce in the US. Literally, it was raining women. I was going out from time to time with a Thai lady who worked as a make-up person( who had a boyfriend I found out later), I had been to Kyushsu to meet (and sleep with) a Chinese girl I met through the internet, and I had a couple of girls on the string here in Tokyo. However the S.O. really caught my interest. She was smart, had a good paying job, had her just bought her own apartment and was quite beautiful. Originally I thought this would be a good addition to the trophy case. However the more we went out, the more I found myself liking her. Things led to another, her heartless American company laid her off, and together we marched into domestic oblivion. That I now believe was a big mistake.
Problem is, I still had not sorted through all of this in my own mind, and I have learned its never good to set your house on fire without having a well thought out escape plan and fire exit in sight. And those details are not worked out yet. Plus, truth be told, I still like her, a lot. She's a nice woman, if slightly obsessive about cleaning. However my ex went from being pretty to a fat trashy, spendthrift, American housewife who hated housework, so in that regard its a great change of pace. The S.O. looks like a saint compared to her. For some unknown reason though, I find myself wanting to live in Hong Kong or Singapore and have the love life problems that Spike has. Problem is, it takes money to do that.
Nothing was resolved in the "conversation". However the issue is out there. I went to the movies just to get away and think for a while, but that did no good. All it did was make me want to go to a bar and get drunk. ( Which I did not do, work still always comes first, and I have to get up early tomorrow. )
This saga is going to drag on for a while till its eventual demise. I'll provide you with plot updates as the drama plays out. Should be interesting, emotionally painful, and I suspect, expensive. Disengaging from relationships with women always is.
This sucks......Oh, and for the female viewers out there who want to pull an Oprah on me and tell me what an asshole I'm being. Well, let me save you the trouble, I know it. However this all about me. I want what I want, and I'm no longer going to apologize for that. I did too much of that in my past life.