Monday, August 22, 2005

Short post---more funk!

As I explained in my previous post, my current down mood really has nothing to with the current news, depressing as it may be. You see, Sunday is my daughter's 21'st birthday. It should be a happy time and I should be happy for her. However, thanks mainly to my ex, poisoning the well, she has not communicated with me in over 3 years. The last time I saw her was at her graduation from High School, and even then I had to slink around and see her, at odd times. I even sat up in the stands way back, but I did get to see her cross the stage. Something tells me, I will not be allowed the privledge at her college graduation.

Now from her standpoint she is still angry that I walked out on her mother. From mine, I refuse to allow myself to feel guilty about it anymore. If I had it to do over again, I would have left my daughter's worthless bitch of a mother a hell of a lot sooner. Especially if someone had shown me that life could be this good, I would have never stuck around, " for the sake of the kids". That's lunacy and life is too short to indulge in it. So as a result the only thing I really feel guilty about is not feeling guilty.

So tomorrow I will go out and buy the useless and unappreciated card and present. I will write the tired old letter telling her that I am alive and here, and that it would be good if we communicated. I will remind her that she is an adult now and so she will make choices too, not all of which will turn out to her liking. I'll tell her that I still love her and that I am still here for her. Then I'll write out a check, stick it all in a mailer and send it off. The only response, as usual, will be the check getting cashed. I can only assume that is a trait she gets from her mother.

It makes me angry and sad at the same time. Angry that it has to be this petty and sad that she cannot understand that at some point, I needed ownership of my life again. I could not live with her mother thinking she had the right to hold me as an emotional hostage. Lots more to that, but I do not choose to share it with you. Suffice to say, that I am going to live my live on my terms and I am not going to allow anyone or anything to get in the way of that. My ex thought she could use the Navy to to put me in her pre-designed box. Accordingly, I told them both no.
The Navy understood better than my daughter did.

My daughter is, I am sure, a fine woman. She was 3 years ago. I am very proud of her and I am know she is doing well in her studies because I have my spies. I'm where I want to be now, perhaps that is why I understand Spike so well. His point of view echoes mine almost exactly. I guess my daughter needs to see some of life's pain to understand that. Sad, because I wish I could spare her that.

Here's to my daughter! Long life, health and most importantly happiness. If I'm there great. If not, well, I did my job getting her to adulthood. That's about all any parent can do....




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