Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I'm still here......for what reason I do not know.

Why I am not 100% sure. Today is a very unreal day. Very Very depressed and there is no real good reason for it.

Went out to dinner last night with a co-worker. We went to the Boat Quay. Which is over priced and touristy, but still a lot of fun none the less. Stopped at Chijmes for more beers before going back to the hotel.

Made a foray through Brix, was shocked to see it full on a Monday night. I think one can say for sure now, it is the upscale sales professionals hangout.

This morning got up worked, came back to the hotel at lunch time. Read a great line in the paper. "Be the person you aspire to be". That's rich. I would be the person I aspire to be if others would stop telling what I aspire to become. And if I could just forget about these annoying things like paying the bills.

Hollywood makes it seem so easy to just run out and change ones life. The reality, I think, is that changing one's life is hard. If I could be the person I aspire to be, I would be living here in Singapore, have an OK apartment, a job that lets me live and pay my bills and I would write a book.

HA HA HA!!!!!!! Alimony, bills, incomplete retirement, lack of jobs, age discrimination, and most importantly fear all stand in the way. The S.O. has fits every time I mention the idea of chucking it all and moving here. She is probably right and on days like today I realize that she does provide structure for me which is something I sorely need.

And really don't want.

I feel like dirt emotionally today. Useless and insignificant. There is quote from Bukowski that probably covers it, I just can't be bothered to remember it.

" I'm fed up with me!"

A rambling post to be sure. I probably ought to hit the delete key. However it's the news and so I'll click on the publish button in a minute. I've got to do something to change...I just am not sure what yet..........

Sigh...............

Better things tomorrow, I promise. Right now I just want to go lay on the bed and cry myself to sleep....................

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