Friday, November 17, 2006

Who stole it?

My passion for work that is.

Today was a most interesting day. In the middle of discussing the subject of a project that is going to occupy most of my work for the next month, it was like a a light bulb being switched off in my head. It just did not matter. I really had no interest in what was being said.

Now mind you, I still paid attention and gave all the right responses and made mental notes of things I had to do, but frankly Scarlett I just could not follow them down the path of involvement. The subject had switched from being something of interest to be just one more thing that wanted a piece of me.

And of which there was no piece to give back.

Now for me that is a very new and troubling experience. For the bulk of my working career, I've always been involved and emotional about my work, even if I did not always like the things I had to do. And I've been lucky in that I have generally gotten to do things that I wanted to do and for the most part enjoyed.

Today, however was like a radio receiver that was tuned just a couple of Mhz high or low. The signal was there, but it was not being well recieved. In fact, my mind could not help wandering and wondering why these guys were so serious about something that is not going to matter one bit anyway. When I got back to my desk all I could think about was how desperately I wanted to get away to Bangkok, or Hong Kong or anyplace but where I was now. Even taking the train up into Tokyo would have sufficed.

This is wierd for me. Even when I was at my lowest point in life, when worthless and self important bastards thought they had to the right to violate my rights and tell me how to live my personal life, I never stopped being interested in the work that I was doing.(Hopefully those same pompous, self important bastards are dead now-if not they should be).

I think its the career train officially passed me by and left me standing by the side of the tracks wondering where to go now.

I have to keep working, I need to pay my bills. However I sincerely doubt that my heart will be in it. Which is really bad when you will be dealing with folks whose heart and ego are totally wrapped up in the work that they are doing.

If I had full access to the money that I deserve, I think I could be persuaded to pack it up, move my stuff and just walk off into the sunset. Can't quite do that just yet and normally such decisions are never well advised. However I know this feeling is not just a temporary one.....its going to stick around for a good while to come.

Which is not good.................

Suspect that these will not cure it:

And these will not distract me from it:

Although I could sure try!

If you see the thief let me know........there is some kind of reward.

Its going to be along winter................


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