Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Also, I'll be out of touch for about 3 days. The S.O. and I are going away for a couple of days and celebrating an anniversary of sorts. Hotel, nice dinner, walking in the city, wine, and.......especially and............ (at least I hope so-if not I'm going to demand an 84,000 yen refund from Saikaya!). I'm not taking my laptop, so it will be the equivalent of going cold Turkey for a computer addict like me.
The S.O. and I have been together for over 4 years. Like all relationships we have had our ups and downs-to tell the truth I never expected to be here now, with her, when all this started. I still wonder each day whether next year will still find us together or not. Not for mean reasons, but more because of ambivalence on both our parts. Allow me to explain a little bit............
When I met the S.O. I had been in Japan for just over a year. A year later we were living in the same place-with all of the attendant fal de rol. The year before we met had been a watershed for me in my life. Coming from the US and the hell that is a sexless marriage, it was astonishing to see that all turn around in just a few short weeks. That year I probably got laid more than I did the entire time I was married to the shrew. I had come to Tokyo and immediately knew that Asia was the place for me! Spike noted this some time ago and I blogged about it saying that I fully understood the sensation:
"As much of an outsider as I was, there was something there, I felt like I belonged there. I was an alien and at home at the same time. "
It was awesome. I felt like I had gone to heaven. I'd been to Bangkok for a couple of manhood "reaffirmation" tours where I had literally gone nuts in Patpong and at the Eden Club. I'd traveled around Japan and the region to Singapore, Hong Kong, Taipei. I had a Chinese girl on the string in Kyushu ( a doctor no less!), a couple up here in Tokyo and a Thai girl who worked as a make-up artist at the Navy exchange. ( She is the subject of a whole other post.....lets just say that memories of sex with her will be in my "old man " memories!). The hard part was keeping them from finding out about each other. I was gearing up for a trip to Jakarta to see what they had to offer me down there.
So why, I've asked myself over and over again, would I go and complicate my life with a serious relationship with obligations (financial and otherwise) when things were just hunky-dory without one. I've yet to give myself a good answer. I had been down this path before and I knew it led no where good. Unlike many people, I have no problem with living by myself.
When I met the S.O. I had no other aspirations except to make her another notch on my bed post. She was beautiful to look at ( she still is!) and interesting to talk to. Then again, all women are when you first meet them. Its new, they smell nice, you are captivated by the way her skirt drapes over her thighs-or fascinated with the way her blouse comes to a point that shows her cleavage. It's as you get to know them that the challenge of staying engaged kicks in.
Yet, there was something about her, something that was just more than a little different from the Shibuya Girls I had met and bed. For one thing she was my age (more or less...), she'd worked for all of her adult life, she had a good job and she had her own car, apartment and goals. She knew how to talk about many things, because she was just a very smart and witty lady. Unlike her American sisters though, she was not pushy about that fact. So suffice it to say I was curious. When she gave me her e-mail and phone number, I did what you should never do, and immediately e-mailed her when I got home and called her the very next day asking for a date.
And so it began. I was still traveling, but at the same time calling her and asking her out-a lot. She was in the process of moving to a new apartment. I rented a van and helped her move. The whole time I was thinking in terms of a clock ticking within my head. Soon I would have to move on-or she would-especially when she learned that if she wanted to take this to its ultimate extreme, there was no way I was ever going to have any children again. For sure that would tear it. If not that, then fact that I was chained down with economic slavery from my divorce would do the trick.
Except it didn't. And to this day I am not sure why. I think deep down inside of her she wants a child. If so, she needs to seek a new man-I'm not equipped physically or emotionally to do that. I've been very up front about that-its in my walk out the door criteria-but to date she seems to deal with it ok.
I'm always afraid that means that she is just settling for me- out of fear of growing old alone. I talked to her about that more than a couple of times. I am who I am -and with my life experience I'm not going to change. I'm a party boy and proud of it. I'll be one as long as I live.
She said she was a party girl. She may have been, but she is most definitely not one now. I always tease her that she is guilty of false advertising. We are so very different in so many ways. We are alike in one way though-we are both selfish.
Which is perhaps why we seem to be comfortable together. I know I am comfortable -to date. We'll see what the out years hold; I'm not going to plan that far ahead. After having jumped off the cliff once, walking away holds none of the terrifying fear it used to.
But not yet. Truth be told, I just could not bring myself to do that. To her-or to myself. I must be an idiot or a useless romantic. Does not mean that may be out there in the future one day-but for today its not. I still believe that I am the only one responsible for my happiness. The idea that out there somewhere, is one special woman who will do that for you is sheer nonsense. Living with her has not changed my thinking on that subject. I might think differently if I did not like women and sex so much. ( as in I like it a LOT!).
If she senses my qualified regard for her, it is counterbalanced by what I know is her qualified regard for me. The stuff of sonnets, our relationship is not. We do say, "I love you" to each other. It seems the right thing and more romantic than the more accurate statement of our relationship with each other: "You'll do."
Still, my worst day with the S.O. has been far better than my best day with the ex, so that must be progress of a sort. Plus, she has brought a lot of structure to a very disorganized life. She has got me focused on some goals besides a girl's ankles up in the air, and gotten me focused on saving money. She's actually taught me a lot on that score. We do, however, maintain complete and separate finances though. I will never ever, ever, share money with a woman again!
So pop the champagne! I've got the silly cards, and I know I'm going to get dragged into the shop to buy her the jewelry of her choice tomorrow. What the future holds-hell, I have no idea-but for today and the next few days we will savor the present. Come to think of it that's just about all anybody can do.
And if it does not work out? She can keep the furniture so long as I can keep my computer and the car! See what a nice guy I am?
"Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same." - Unknown
"We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, and hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."
Cross posted at Exordinarly Ordinary.