Monday, March 26, 2007

American Beauty..

"My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell."

That movie was on last night. When it came out in 1999, my relationship with the shrew had hit rock bottom. Below bottom to be perfectly truthful-as the ex thought she had found the perfect way to bend me to her twisted will. The above quote pretty well sums up my joyless 1999, until...........I gathered the courage to take my life back.

(The above quote could also sum up my this week in Korea...except the men's rooms are too small.......).

The movie really struck a chord with me. Even though it is unbelievably dark. However in my frame of mind then-it spoke to me.

"I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up."

Exactly! Now, before you laugh hysterically, I am not saying that movie spurred to me to take action. However it was one of those things that helped me see what I had to do and to put in perspective. Now after 8 years it really helps me put some things in perspective.

Lester Burnham: I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want, whenever you
want to do it, and I don't complain.

Carolyn Burnham: Oh, you don't complain? Then I must be psychotic, then! What is this? Yeah,let's bring in the laugh-meter and see how loud it gets.

Lester Burnham [Lester throws the asparagus plate at the wall] Don't interrupt me, honey! [sits back down to eat] Oh, yeah, and one more thing, from now on we're going to have alternate dinner music because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here - [looks in Jane's direction] I'm tired of this Lawrence Welk shit!

Ah yes the shrill voice of the woman who was raised to believe that somehow, someway, her gender gave her a right to tell a man what to do. Or that she could do what she wanted, while I just had to pay the bills.....and pay....and pay. They tend to think it is the way of the world. So it comes as a great shock when they get told, "NO".

" You don't get to tell me what to do, ever again"

You have no idea how joyous and liberating a feeling it is, when you finally tell all the people who think they have the right to define your life for you, that its your life and you'll do exactly what you damn well please.

"Well you know what? I've changed! And the
new me whacks off when he feels horny! "
Or some other acceptable substitute. However the point is that each one of us gets to make his own choices and I'm going to make mine. I do things now-for the most part, there are a few exceptions- because I want to, even doing things for the S.O.

Of course the interesting part is that because of the former time in my life, I can really appreciate the latter. I just which I did not have to go through 20 years of the former to learn that.

However it makes me like Lester-I can understand the beauty of freedom and responsibility:
"Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday. "

I just had to get that off of my chest! Now I can go fall in my bed-for tomorrow as Scarlett said, is yet another day.

Ja ne..........


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